Connecting People, or Not The Year Of The Introvert

I feel like I'm sitting in my yard with all of my baggage, my unwanted items, spread around me on the dying grass. People come up to my yard sale to look at my things, to see if my burden is one they could carry, as we are called to do. They comb through my Ignorance and my Impudence. Low Self-Esteem and Self-Deprecation, Sardonic Wit and Sarcasm, no one wants them. They smile and pretend that what I offer is interesting, quietly muttering "Thank you" and walk away slowly, backing off the sidewalk and off the curb onto the asphalt street, back into the rest of their lives.

I watch them all get back into their cars, and I think of them driving back to their good little houses, where their Good Christian families await and they sit together and share meals and problems and burdens. They don't think much of me and my messy life; they've seen it, they know it's there, but time or personalities do not permit much interaction beyond the usual pleasantries. I've developed into such an acquired taste; people either love me or don't get me at all.

In the last year and a half, a few people have wandered to my blanket on the summer grass and cheerfully sifted through my fears and doubts. They picked up my Insecurities, turned them over in their hands and mused aloud "You know, this isn't so bad--you could really do something with all of this stuff". I am hopeful that those people will continue to sort through my junk and unattractive things and carry them around for a little while. Like the small surge of importance one feels when their favorite old t-shirt receives a compliment, these people help to bring me out from underneath my little black raincloud.

I won't say that I will not be one of those "connecting people" this year; I have reservations about forced connection anyway, like arranged marriage. It's just an awkward, uncomfortable situation waiting to happen. The people with whom I've already opened up to deserve more, and I should invest in them what they've invested in me. I've never smiled as much as I have at them, as they cross the lawn towards the sidewalk carrying loads of my trash and with them, a huge piece of me.