27. My Favorite Me

I love me ! No, wait. Actually, I can't stand myself.

I have a horrible habit of comparing myself to others, which is something I didn't do. I never used to care what people thought of me but now I care immensely. I am worried that I say the wrong things. I don't think I am intelligent enough to hold a conversation with anyone. I feel like I am only the prettiest girl in the room when I am the only girl in the room. I am not nice, friendly, funny, warm, or pretty enough. I have the most irritating habits and the worst behavior of anyone I know.

This morning I woke up with a headache. Some days the headache is a throbbing pain behind my eye, and others it is more like an overwhelming dullness. Today it was the latter, and this headache feels as though there are doors in my brain that section off parts of my mind like the bulkheads of a ship. They are impenetrable, letting nothing out and certainly not letting me back into my own thoughts. These days are the worst, and today, the numbness spread into my arms and legs and heart. I fumbled around all day without feeling anything at all.

I drove to Santa Cruz by myself. I read a book in my car, then ate dinner by myself. I walked downtown to get Peet's by myself, wandered Trader Joe's by myself, and finally went to church. It's hard to be around people when I feel so horrible. I never like answering people when they ask me how I am doing, so I usually just lie and say I am fine. There are varying degrees of truthful answers, however, and I think tonight I only gave out one of those. My headache and I sat in our pew wishing to be ignored and left alone.